被辐照的松鼠

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Feb 24, 2017 10:15
前天

一只被辐照的松鼠住在我房子外面的一棵树上。这只松鼠很特别,它会从眼睛射出镭射,也能背诵《麦田里的守望者》的一些比较长的部分。我要叫它拿单。

昨天

我担心拿单发疯了。它早上用镭射眼睛在房子的前门上钻了一个孔。现在,它站在我的前面,做出威胁的样子。我怕它进来伤害我。我已经给野生动物移除热线打电话了,报告拿单的特别能力与最近的侵略性行为,不过接线员以为我只是在恶作剧,挂上了电话。

今天

拿单刚射出一道镭射,把我的两条大腿割断了。我现在无可奈何地躺在地上。松鼠在我旁边,两手高高举向天空,好像在准备把祭品献给核辐射的松鼠神。拿单慢慢地念咒语:

“你要是真想听我讲,你想要知道的第一件事可能是我在什么地方出生,我倒楣的童年是怎样度过,我父母在生我之前干些什么,以及诸如此类的大卫科波菲尔式废话,可我老实告诉你,我无意告诉你这一切……”
THE RADIOACTIVE SQUIRREL

2 DAYS AGO

There is a radioactive squirrel living in a tree outside my house. It fires lasers from its eyes and can recite large parts of "The Catcher in the Rye" from memory. I shall call him Nathan.

YESTERDAY

I'm worried that Nathan has gone feral. This morning, he used his laser eyes to bore a hole through my front door. Now, he is making threatening gestures toward me. I am afraid he will come into my house and harm me. I already called wildlife control and told them about Nathan's special abilities and aggressive behavior, but they didn't believe me.

TODAY

Nathan has just sliced off my legs with his laser eyes. I'm laying helpless on the kitchen floor. He's standing next to me with his arms raised high in the air, as though he were preparing to sacrifice me to his radioactive squirrel god. He begins his incantation:

"If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth..."
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